Essay: Losing My Independence

  

                                                Losing My Independence

                                               

“Which bus do I need to take to go to the supermarket? Will it be a good idea to buy this purple blouse?” These and other questions began to show up in my mind a few weeks after I arrived to the US. I had been really excited about coming to this country. When I was in Mexico, as the independent woman that I used to be, I thought that whichever issue may arise, I could handle it. It doesn´t matter if were the language or my ignorance about American Culture. I minimized my change of residence because, as weeks passed, I started to have some experiences where my usual independence would be affected. Soon I noticed that the change entailed a process that I couldn’t avoid.            

                                             

  Reaching the U.S. meant that I needed to leave my job in Mexico where I had been working for five years. Although it was a very good job, I thought that the experience about learning English and American Culture would enrich me more than to remain in that job. All this was what I explained to my husband, and he agreed to support me. He has been really a great husband, but I was not used to not having my own income. I only realized this in the early weeks in the U.S. when I saw the nice stores on downtown with beautiful things that I liked and wanted to buy. These were simple things such a blouse or a sweater that if I had been living in Mexico and still working, I would have bought them. Now, I felt a kind of obligation to consult with my husband or simply I decided not to buy it. Then, I realized that those feelings were mine because when I told my husband about my experience, he asked me: “Why didn’t you buy it?” Or “Let´s go to buy it!” I wanted cry. My answer looked hard to explain.

                                   

If the U.S. would be my new home, I wanted to adapt as soon as possible with all the new changes. When I was in Mexico, I had my own car, and I could go wherever I wanted. Now, I wanted to know more places in the city, but I didn´t have car. My options to move in the city were the bus, the train or a bicycle. Those options sounded good because I like new experiences, but the issue appeared when I saw that I needed to learn how to use all this transportation. It was amazing because in Mexico if I wanted to take a bus, I only waited in the corner where the bus was going to arrive, and when the bus arrived I paid some coins to the driver. That was it. In the U.S., I didn’t know where the bus stops were, how often they arrived or how to pay to the driver. Later, a friend told me that all the information including routes, schedules and the explanation about a special card to pay for each trip on the bus, were on the internet. Something similar happened with the train and the bicycle. Although those activities sound easy to do, some days were really hard for me because I felt desperate. I didn’t have the independence of movement that I had in Mexico.

 Finally, I realized that I didn’t have family or friends in the U.S. more than my husband. Even though I saw and talked with my husband every day, and I was in constant communication with my family and friends in Mexico through the technology, I wanted to have friends in this country. I have been always a talkative woman, and I love face to face conversations. As my mother, I can start a conversation with anybody in whichever place as an elevator or the bus. I used to do this in my homeland, but in my new life, I had a limitation: the language. Although I knew a little English, I was afraid to start conversations with English speakers. I could say simple things or greet someone, but not more. I felt that I was losing many opportunities to have new friends.

  

 Currently, I accept that I don’t have the independence that I used to have in my country because this change is not easy. Is a turning point in my life with a long process that needs to develop inside and around me. Now, I can answer my early questions and leave some fears as to buy new gloves, ask somebody in the elevator about the weather or ask for the nearest Wal-Mart. Sometimes people understand me and sometimes they don’t. It doesn’t matter. Furthermore, I know that I will recover my independence someday although I know that it will be different. I´m sure that it will be more balanced between doing things alone and feeling good accepting help from others.